


circled the same old sin

by partydress



Category: Thoroughbreds (2017)
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:33:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partydress/pseuds/partydress
Summary: lily keeps a stack of unsent letters to amanda in a drawer, each one sealed nicely in an envelope
Relationships: Amanda/Lily (Thoroughbreds)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	circled the same old sin

**Author's Note:**

> title from a horse named cold air by mitski

Lily keeps a stack of unsent letters to Amanda in a drawer, each one sealed nicely in an envelope. Some of these are mundane: letters she meant to send, a “How are you? I’m doing fine. I’m sorry” (for what she never specifies, but she knows Amanda would understand). These she keeps at the top of the stack. These have stamps. 

Below these are the more heartless ones. The “I got your letters. I don’t think you should send anymore” ones. Only some of these have stamps.

And below these are the ones she never intends to send, the ones she’d write after a night of heavy drinking (or at least that’s what she would say if anyone were to ask, all the while fully aware of the sobriety behind her words). These make up the bulk of the contents of this drawer.

———

Lily wakes from nightmares on a semi-regular basis, heart pounding, throat tight and near tears. They’re all different, but she doesn’t have to know anything about interpreting dreams to know what they mean. They’re not as interesting as the ones Amanda writes about. In one, she walks upstairs, knife in hand, finds her stepfather, stabs and stabs and stabs. Covered in sweat and blood, she looks down to find Amanda’s corpse instead.

So… pretty obvious.

Sometimes she has dreams where Amanda didn’t down the drugged concoction. They watch movies until they fall asleep or until Amanda decides to go home. Or in some, even after Amanda has passed out from the drink, Lily stays by her side for the rest of the night. 

She wakes up from these in a similar state as from the nightmares. Sometimes worse.

———

Lily has tried to date other people. “Other people.” This is how she phrases it in her head, even though she obviously knows that her and Amanda were never dating. She only dates men though. Sometimes she wonders if this is the reason for the failed state of all her relationships. But a part of her knows that she would never allow herself to have a successful relationship anyway. It’s not that she seeks out bad people. She is the bad person, or at least that’s how she feels. She wonders if she would feel differently if she was around Amanda.

She tried being with a woman once. Not a relationship, just a tipsy something at a college party. But she stopped it before it went too far, before “Amanda” would slip past her drunken lips. She doesn’t really have to worry about that with men, so it’s a little easier. Less of a risk.

She does have friends though. Or at least people that she hangs out with. Lily thinks she’s pretty good at making friends. She knows the right things to say, and the right way to act, and thinks she’s figured out the way to make people enjoy her company. It’s a bit exhausting. Sometimes she wonders why she puts in this effort in the first place. She’s not really gaining anything from it. But she’s also not going to let herself be known as a friendless person.

She can’t bring herself to ever watch old movies with these friends. It would bring back too many memories, memories that already don’t leave her as it is. If anyone ever asks, she just says she doesn’t like them, that they bore her. That is, this is what she plans to say if anyone were to ever ask. They don’t. The only reason she knows she wouldn’t be able to is because she’s tried to watch them by herself. The letter she wrote that night was probably her longest one.

———

Lily didn’t have to use The Technique at her stepfather’s funeral. She just had to think about Amanda.

———

It’s an almost weekly routine for Lily to write Amanda a letter. Sometimes daily on particularly rough weeks, or around the anniversary of that night. She writes to Amanda more than Amanda writes to her. Tonight is no different, as she pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. She likes to write with a pen instead of a pencil, so there’s no chance of erasing anything. Otherwise she feels she would erase too much. She also makes sure to stop herself from ever tearing a letter up. None of that matters right now though, as she already knows before writing that this letter will not be receiving a stamp.

_Dear Amanda,_

_I’m not going to send this letter to you._

_Do you ever write letters without sending them to me? I don’t think you do, given the stuff you do send me. If you’re willing to say all that, what could you be keeping from me? Or maybe there is something. I don’t know._

_You said in your last letter that you loved me. You’ve said it a few times now. Why? Why do you love me? And why do you tell me about it? I feel like if I actually asked you that question you would answer honestly. I think I love you too. But I don’t know if I’d be able to answer why._

_I miss you. I miss seeing you in person. I’ve thought about visiting you before, but I’m not sure how that’d look since everyone thinks you killed my stepdad. Maybe I’d look insensitive or something, like I don’t care that you’re a murderer. That’s something people are supposed to care about I guess, but even if you had killed someone I don’t think I would. Is that wrong? If it was anyone else I think I’d care, but not you. I guess I don’t have to ask you. You talk to me, and I’m a murderer._

_I said that I haven’t visited you because I’m afraid of how it would look, but that’s not the only reason. Otherwise I would have sent you all the letters I wrote, since no one would have any way of finding out about that. And there’s a lot of them. Should I just send them all to you in one big package? I think about doing that sometimes and I wonder how you’d react. It’d probably be boring since they get pretty repetitive, but maybe you’d appreciate new reading material? I’ll think about it. I think you’d like the meaner ones. I think you like that side of me, like it’s me being more “honest” or something. Or maybe you don’t. But you’re the only one I can act like that around._

_I don’t know if I can ever fully be myself around anyone but you. But I guess that’s a good thing. There’s some things you need to keep hidden. ___

__She thinks for a minute and then stops writing, folds up the paper, puts it in an envelope, and stores it with the rest._ _


End file.
